Beat The Heat This Summer: Expert Gives Parents Advice

Candace Braun

As temperatures rise, the heat builds up not only out in the sun, but also indoors, when parents and children are forced to co-exist in the home during the summer months.

Author, educator, and parenting expert Naomi Drew recently held a workshop for parents, "Creating a Peaceful Summer With Your Kids: Practical Ways to Make it Happen," at the Nassau Presbyterian Church.

A frequent keynote speaker at educational conferences throughout the country, Ms. Drew raised two boys of her own for many years as a single parent. Her children were very different from one another, which often raised conflicts in the household. The difficulties she faced in her own family inspired her to seek out strategies to resolve them: "I've always felt that if I didn't have these strategies at hand, their childhood would have been very different."

Too often conflicts develop because parents are unsure of what to do. Many times this leads them to reprimand their children the same way their parents had reprimanded them, which isn't necessarily the best way to handle the situation, said Ms. Drew.

"A family really isn't a total democracy," she said, adding that parents should be willing to listen to their child's opinion, but keep the upper hand.

When a child misbehaves, parents should allow them to discuss what their punishment should be, and work on a compromise together. The mistake that most parents make, however, is asking the child during the heated argument, rather than sitting down and having a talk either before or after the situation arises.

One parent at the workshop on June 21 was concerned because her toddler always pushes the limits when it comes to getting ready for school, bedtime, and everything in between. Ms. Drew recommended that rather than argue with the child, the parent should repeat over and over what the child is supposed to be doing.

This situation is often not only frustrating for the child, but also the parent. Ms. Drew suggested taking a moment to "stop, breathe, and chill." When parents change their behavior, children will often do the same, she said.

One problem that arises when there are siblings in a household is playful teasing that quickly turns to a hurtful argument. When this occurs, parents should go with their gut feeling; when things seem as though they are about to get out of hand, get involved, said Ms. Drew.

What could be a small argument sometimes becomes a big blow-up because parents are almost too patient with their children and let them cross the line, said the educator: "We all try so hard to be patient, kind, and loving... but sometimes we try to push that line."

She suggested establishing a line and sticking to it, so it doesn't provoke an eruption later on. Once the child approaches that line, parents need to say what they are feeling, simply and directly.

"They need to know our displeasure... they need to be held responsible."

Most important, parents need to learn to manage their anger when they are upset with a child, said Ms. Drew. Parents can't meet anger with anger, because it creates a wall between the two people and the argument escalates. Even a parent's body language can make a difference, and they should learn to take deep breaths when they feel the anger building, and come up with a phrase to repeat to themselves, such as "I can handle this."

"Fake it 'till you make it: form follows thought," said Ms. Drew, adding that parents will be able to handle the situation once they've convinced themselves that they are capable.

And, if things do escalate to a heated argument, the parent shouldn't point the finger afterwards, but talk about their own feelings. And, if the child doesn't agree, just be willing and able to listen to them, said Ms. Drew.

"When you listen to them, they're more willing to listen to themselves."

A long-time Lawrenceville resident, Ms. Drew is well known in schools, community groups, and corporations for her programs on conflict resolution, peaceful parenting, stress reduction, and anger management.

She has written six books, some of which have been on the educational best-seller list. Her most recent book, The Kids' Guide To Working Out Conflicts, is available at local bookstores, and on the author's Web site, at www.LearningPeace.com.