Senior Center Recognizes Nurturers: Caregivers Get their Day in the Sun

Matthew Hersh

As they send their children off into adulthood, some parents find themselves facing the task of taking care of their own aging parents. And some people living without disability suddenly find themselves taking care of a disabled spouse.

According to the National Family Caregivers Association's (NFCA) random sample survey of 1000 adults, more than a quarter of the adult population has provided care for a chronically ill, disabled, or aged family member or friend during the past year. That figure translates into about 50 million people.

However willing to take care of an ailing relative many family members might be, the task can disrupt the daily routine and lead to catastrophic expense. Without guidance or assistance, taking on the role of the caregiver can be a more-than-daunting task.

This year, the Princeton Senior Resource Center opened its Caregiver Resource Center, offering caregivers resources and assistance when needed.

"The range of care goes from the neighbor who stops in to see [the proverbial] Mabel before she goes to the grocery store right on up to the family that is taking shifts so that somebody is there to provide personal care for Dad, 24/7," said Susan Hoskins, executive director of PSRC.

"Often times in the course of a person's needing care, they go from that first stage, right on through the last, [when]...its a sudden thing, like a stroke, but it's often very gradual," she said.

Throughout October, PSRC has celebrated National Family Caregivers Month. A six-week series that overlaps into November, the program has covered issues of home safety, general caregiving skills, assisting with personal care, positioning and helping a loved one move, healthy dieting, and the legal and financial issues involved in aging.

This Saturday, November 13, PSRC is holding its first full-day workshop, "Wisdom for the Caregiver: Nurturing the Nurturers," and will feature keynote speaker Teena Cahill, a Princeton-area psychologist and lecturer on the national circuit. Dr. Cahill also takes care of her disabled husband, Lt. Col. Brooks Dyer, a former fighter pilot and retired captain with American Airlines, who suffered a cerebral hemorrhage, a subsequent spinal chord injury, and a stroke 12 years ago at the age of 55.

Dr. Cahill, who tours the country speaking on leadership in women, is new to speaking publicly about caregiving. She quickly found out, however, that there was a logical connection when it came to contending with her personal experiences at home.

"It occurred to me when Susan and I started talking a few months ago, that a natural evolution (if I'm going to talk about leadership in women) is to talk about caregiving.

"Certainly I've been the primary caregiver to my mother and stepfather, to my in-laws, to my husband," she said.

Part of the agenda of "Nurturing the Nurturers," Dr. Cahill said, is to "reframe" caregiving.

"All the research on aging is that, sadly, life is not about you, and it's not about me, but the best life is about purpose and contribution. I think that sometimes when you're a caregiver, there's a chance to grow and learn," she said.

In addition to Dr. Cahill's presentation, her husband will address the audience on how his life changed when he woke up two months after his hemorrhage to find out he didn't have a career anymore and that he would have to adjust to a new existence.

For Dr. Cahill, however, she plans to tell some stories:

"When my husband was in the hospital and he was in the ICU and the bells and whistles were going off, [the doctors] told me he had no chance to live. After several hours I was sitting there thinking 'you know, they told me 12 hours ago that he was going to die, and he didn't; and they told me six hours ago that he was going to die, and he didn't; and they told me an hour ago that he was going to die – and he didn't'."

That's when she changed her mode of thinking.

"I sat there and said that I would plan on him living, knowing that he might die, and the minute that he dies, I'll deal with it then. I went from thinking 'my husband will die' and despair to 'my husband might live' and hope and then mobilizing my energy to get him the help he needed."

Through great luck, the grace of god, and Lt. Col. Dyer's strength, he lived, Dr. Cahill said.

"That doesn't always happen, and I'm not suggesting that it always happens, but the key was I changed what I was thinking."

Dr. Cahill's mind during her and her husband's crisis was remarkably clear. But is it always that clear for others during times of crises?

"I think that human beings are resilient, and if we weren't, the human species wouldn't have lived this long. I think that in times of crisis, we have the ability to mobilize our resiliency to help us and those around us survive. There is great strength in a human being."

But there is also the role of the therapists, Ms. Hoskins said. While personal strength is paramount, she said, therapists can provide the guidance and assistance.

"That's our role as therapists," said Ms. Hoskins, who is herself a licenced clinical social worker. "Often times when people come to us, they are at the bottom. They say 'I've tried, I'm exhausted, I can't think of what to do, things are a mess and somebody told me that you might be able to help'."

"We have enough distance from it to help people reframe, to help people see things," she added.

Dr. Cahill, who will play the part of the caregiver in her presentation, agreed, saying it's "impossible" to keep adverse familiar scenarios at bay: "I can't stop tragedy happening in my family or yours, but I can make a choice about how I'm going to respond. My husband did not ask to be disabled, and I did not ask to be in a caregiving role, but you know what? If that's the life you have, then the way I and my husband choose to approach it is 'okay, let's see how we can make this work for each of us, let's see what we can learn from this. How do we grow and be determined to have a great life no matter what'."

To register for Saturday's event, call (609) 924-7108. The program will take place at the Suzanne Patterson Building behind Princeton Borough Hall from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. The $10 fee includes lunch.